Dearest Lindsay Lohan, My Coke-Snorting Muse

You’ve really done it this time! I mean, I’ve been following your self-destructive path for quite some time, and I relish every chance I get to make fun of you like a woman in weight watchers relishes someone noticing “she’s lost some weight,” (She probably hasn’t, just fyi. Her friends are just trying to be nice) but Lindsay, you trampy little ginger you, you’ve outdone yourself yet again. 

After her stint in rehab (which be the way, did NOT rehabilitate her….shocker there), Lindsay failed TWO MORE drug tests, testing positive for Adderall in one and cocaine in the other. Fail. Lindsay, honestly, I can’t think of any other way to say it. But you’re a dumb bimbo/coke-fiend. You’ve been given more chances to reform and change your ways than Pamela Anderson has been given boob jobs. When are you going to learn that the justice system isn’t going to put up with you’re pathetically washed up career and public embarrassments forever? You’ve already been replaced in Hollywood by the up and coming Emma Stone (who I like infinitely more than you anyways), and now to top it all off, even your lawyer whom you pay excessive amounts of money can’t protect you form the wrath of the California legal system.

If a judge gives you a second chance to stop doing drugs…wait, lemme rephrase that. If a judge gives you a one hundredth chance to stop doing drugs, you should probably consider giving up coke. Were you at all surprised that the judge had you cuffed and dragged out of the courtroom like a convicted rapist when you appeared before the California courts…for the millionth time? I know, I know, it’s hard to be you. After all, they didn’t even let you change out of your $1200 shoes before you got taken to the slammer. But I honestly feel no sympathy for you when the judge denied you bail and had you “removed.”

To summarize; You’re a dumbass. You’ve been given more second chances than Bill Murray In “Ground Hog Day”, you have the resources to get into a great rehabilitation facility, and yet you STILL do cocaine. Just ridiculous. No one cares about/remembers The Parent Trap well enough to think there’s still good inside you. Now please, while you rot away in the county jail as you patiently await the decision of the court, can you please consider what I’m saying to you? Oh wait, no you can’t. Because you can’t read. Because you’re Lindsay Lohan.

“Cocaine?! What cocaine? All this white powder..is..uhhhh….it’s Anthrax…or sprinkles. Idk officer, i’m to f**king high to tell the difference lolz”

Paris Hilton: the man woman, the legend, the coke-pounding slorebag(slut/whore bag) that is only famous because she’s handy with a video camera. How in Gods name she ever attained celebrity status is beyond me, since she has no really valuable talents or abilities above that of a brain-dead muppet. But apparently there is something she has some skill with: smuggling cocaine across international borders into Japan.

Now you may be wondering, “why the hell would anyone try and smuggle their own personal stash of cocaine into Japan? That’s not logical. Who could be so stupid?” Well, before you get worked up, lets remember that this is Paris Hilton we’re talking about. Good ideas have never come to her easily. Illegal narcotics, however, apparently do. While Paris has had her run of drug related incidents in the past, many of her fans and supporters (which I’m pretty sure only includes her family, her lawyers, and the people she makes sex tapes with…I’m still not sure about the family part) had been hoping that drug abuse was behind her. OOPS! I guess not.

What amazes me though is not the fact that she was dumb enough to try and sneak coke past airpoty security (though on a scale of 1 to Miley Cyrus, 1 being really smart and Miley Cyrus being…well, Miley Cyrus, I’d give it an 8) but the fact that she gets to stay in an airport hotel while customs tries to resolve the whole issue. Really Japan? You have a history of violent reprecussions for breaking the law, but you decide NOW is the time stop being militaristic and crazy and to not have someome murdered behind closed doors and have the body dispensed of in a ditch somewhere? Wait, I’m thinking of North Korea. Sorry Japan, my mistake. 

But really Paris, I know that you can’t help it that you are prone to making decisions that make whoever the Trojans that thought accepting a wooden horse was a good idea look like a brilliant strategist, but can you please try to stop acting like you were dropped on your head when you were but a wee little slut muffin? That would be great. Because lets face it, there’s only room for one coke-fiend in Hollywood, and Lindsay Lohan has pretty much got that one in the bag.

“Oh my god, all of my narcotics fell out of my Fendi purse!”

When one is provoked to think of some truly exciting news, they may discuss politics, or discoveries in science and medicine, or even something in their own family. But you know what’s more imporant than all of that? Lindsay Lohan’s possible escape to freedom tomorrow!

Now, before you get confused, wondering whether rehab was actually meant to help people by keeping them there till they are better, the answer is no. Celebrity rehab is about as reforming and helpful as Lady Gaga is modest and sexually desirable. The entire point of rehab for coke-snorting, booze pounding celebrities is to pretend that they are sorry for what they did and to get attention. And it works doesn’t it? Every day, TMZ has some new development in the life of Lindsay Lohan, like when she was upset she couldn’t have sharp objects in her cell (Well no shit Lindsay, you’re in REHAB. You’re clearly not stable. When you start taking culinary classes we’ll let you have knives, but for now you just have to settle with your trashy hair style and stupid complexion). 

So what does this mean for all of us? Well, it won’t be long until Lindsay is back on the street and back in our hearts as the drug-abusing, alcoholic, trashy, self-sabotaging, overly publicized slut of ginger adorable actress we know and love. 

“I would totally care about what this judge is saying if I wasn’t so focused on the intense pain coming from my bleached hair”

Well, just when you thought Heidi Montag and her sleezy, pedophile-esque soon-to-be ex couldn’t get any sleezier, just when you thought reality television stars couldn’t disappoint you more than that alcoholic slut pumpkin Snookie did, the ultimate Hollywood trump card was revealed. Heidi Montag’s sex tape. Now I know what you’re thinking; “Is this tape from before or after her body was filled with enough plastic to make a barbie doll collection of the entire cast of Twilight?” (Side note, that sounds like the worst idea ever thought up, even in comparison to Justin Bieber’s contracted movie). Well, luckily for all those Tom Cruise level of creepy perverts out there who will actually watch the tape, there is footage from BOTH before and after her, um, enhancements.

Great. Just great. So in the first half of the tape you get to see her make erotic facial expressions and in the second half you can see how the surgery prevents her form making ANY facial expressions. Honestly, who is going to watch that tape? I feel like the minute you do you’re going to get a phone call with the message “7 Days.” But hey, who am I to judge Spencer Pratt’s hobby of video taping his sexual partners? We all have hobbies. Lindsay Lohan does cocaine, George Lopez hosts a TV show no one cares about, and Spencer here is a film maker. 

As a final word, Spencer Pratt announced that the footage in this low-budget film makes Kim Kardashian look like an amateur. 1) GROSSSSSSS, 2) There’s no way that’s true. Sex tapes and Kim Kardashian are like public displays of stupidity and Tom Cruise; no one else can even compare. So sorry Spencer Pratt, you’re just gonna have to hope people are interested in you having sex with what is practically a mannequin to sell this tape

“hey look guys, I can’t go outside into the sun anymore because the heat may melt the plastic inside my gigantic boobs!”

Whilst driving through my neighborhood one day, I thought it would be Grand to turn on the radio and listen to some tunes, knowing that it would only add to the experience. I was so f***ing wrong that it makes me feel like I must have even less chromosomes than Tom Cruise does to make that decision. Because of all the songs on the radio, all the one hit wonders, all the unorginial pieces of pop garbage that could have come on, the one thing I hate more than Kanye West’s illiteracy issues came on. Justin Bieber. I hate her so much. 

One might be thinking “how can you hate Justin Bieber, she’s never done anything wrong. She’s just trying to make a living like you and me”. Wrong, she’s not. Justin Bieber isn’t only trying to make a living, she’s single-handidly destroying music and brainwashing those artistically shallow enough to listen to what can only be considered “white noise” (I always thought that term was a bit racist). Am I being too harsh to say that there is no artistic merit in what Justin Bieber is putting out into the airwaves? I don’t know, is it too harsh to say that Hitler really really really REALLY sucked at painting (you thought I was going to say “Hated the Jews” didn’t you?)? Nothing good comes from this little demon of pop music. But just why do I hate her so much? Well let me explain.

Do you remember the Jonas Brothers? Joe Jonas? Nick Jonas? The ugly one that no one really remembers or cares about? Well they were this boy band that produced craptastic pop music that was really only made lamer by the fact that they promoted chastity (You’re a band, not nuns. Losers). Every girl who had hit puberty and wasn’t a lesbian was madly in love with these soulless robots hand-crafted in the dungeons of Disney’s Laboratory of Anti-Semitism (Walt Disney=Jew hater). But what happened to them? Justin Bieber. Miley Cyrus. Selena Gomez. Plastic people made for plastic audiences. Musicians like Justin Bieber are nothing but fads that play upon the desperate loneliness of ugly middle school girls and horny/unloved highschoolers. It would be entertaining if it wasn’t for the fact that it’s so utterly pathetic and sad. 

And Justin Bieber is no exception. Can you honestly say to someone, with complete sincerity, that Justin Bieber actually writes (hellspawns) good music? If the answer is yes, than you honestly don’t deserve the right to your opinion. Or to vote. Or to be allowed in public. Justin Bieber is nothing but sugar-coated brain rot dressed up in a flashy disguise of toolish clothes and ridiculously stupid haircuts. I mean honestly, she looks like a f***ing woman (which makes sense because she is one). 

But what makes me more upset than the fact that the actress from “Precious” couldn’t even fit into her seat at the Oscars is the fact that kids (and sad, lonely, depressingly tasteless adults) accept Justin Bieber as a music industry standard, a legitimate musician. She is not. She will never be a musician in the sense that Freddy Mercury, Aretha Franklin, or even Lady Gaga are. Face it, if you’re a “Belieber”, you have no taste. Her songs are unoriginal, her voice is annoying and prepubescent, and her clothing “style” is the failed-abortion of a lovechild between Elton John and Kanye West. Justin Bieber, go kill yourself.

And stop throwing up the peace sign you peace of crap, you’re not Jay Z. You’re WHITE

Well Kanye did the impossible. He made himself look like MORE of an idiot than he did before. And that’s pretty difficult considering he stuttered for a good 45 seconds on television trying to explain why Katrina was so horrible (Clearly being famous doesn’t improve your public speaking skills…Miley Cyrus, this was also directed at you). 

In a recent “tweet”, Kanye West said the following: 

…France Language? You mean, FRENCH??? I can’t tell if he’s being facetious and purposely spelling it wrong or if he’s just trying to prove that illiteracy really is impossible to fix. Kanye, I don’t ever get tired of making fun of you, because your twitter account is an endless fountain or source material for this blog. But really, how could you have managed to live this long and be this level of Moronic (the level he’s currently at is referred to as the “Tom Cruise on Oprah” level). Please, for the love of God, learn how to speak English. Or Franch language. Just learn something.

Ok, so this isn’t exactly true. I just really wanted to say it because it makes her sound like a psychopath. In reality though, she is being sued for promoting a new weight loss product that could actually cause the loss of something else…normal people’s respect. And your life, you could die.

So basically, for all of you who live under rocks or don’t waste your time with television (I bet you think you’re so much better than the rest of us….jerk), Jillian Michaels is the host of the TV reality show “The Biggest Loser”, a television show where contestants compete to lose the most weight and get in shape. In reality, most people watch it to feel better about themselves because luckily, they’re not nearly as obese as the contestants. Jillian, the super-fit, almost robotically strong host, uses inspiration and tough love to help those on the show (though really, if you’re using a reality tv show to lose weight, you really are the biggest loser). Jilliain’s success has made her so popular that she decided in all her overly-buff wisdom that starting a dieting/weight loss product would be an excellent idea. This is where things take a harder turn for the worse than Michael Jackson’s plastic surgeries. 

The product in question, “Triple Process Total Body Detox & Cleanse”, has a complainant going by the initials of R.D. suing Jillian and “Thin Care International” (that’s a sensitive name) for $10 million and claims that the combination of ingredients could be lethal. 

Ok, I have sympathy for this “R.D.” person because she could have, in a hypothetical world (the same one where Taylor Lautner can act), lost her life. HOWEVER, you used a product that sounds like what a steroid-addicted body builder puts in his protein shakes (along side rocks and cow fetuses). Why would you take that kind of product? Were you so desperate for an immediate result that you’d use this clearly gimmicky (yes, this is a word) product and hope it was good for you? If something like that reallyyyyy worked, wouldn’t everyone know about it? Or did you, R.D., think you were ahead of the curve? If you actually thought that this narcotic-like detox product would work, you should have a doctor count the number of chromosomes you have. 

Now, as for you Jillian “my abs are harder than the placement test for UCLA” Michaels, shame on you for putting out a lame product. You have desperate people looking up to you and you’re disturbingly well maintained physique, so try your hardest to not be a heartless, greedy, self-serving bitch (I know this may be asking too much of you). 

To summarize, R.D. is stupid for believing in this obviously bogus product, and Jillian is a self-absorbed, cold, tyrannical tramp. Also, she put out a bad product. 

I’m really glad Satan’s, I mean, Jillian’s, sex change worked out so well. She definitely doesn’t at all look like a man.

When I think of things in this world that I really hate, things such as waiting in line for the bathroom, or Ke$ha’s singing voice tend to be some of the first items that come to mind. But I would be lying to all of you if I didn’t say that there is one thing I hate more than anything else in this world (including that fat tub of overly self-righteous lard Michael Moore), and that thing is a man by the name of Kanye West (aka, giant bag of douche).

Now before people claim “you’re racist” or “he’s a musical genius”, allow me to say “shut the f*** up.” I have many to reasons to hate Kanye West, and race isn’t one of them. Believe me, I’m sure there are plenty of black people that hate him as much as I do. Now, to the point of this post. I have put up with Kanye’s childish antics and buffoonish commentary for many years now, and for the most part I’ve forgiven and forgotten (except for interrupting Taylor Swift, you useless piece of cannon fodder. How dare you interrupt someone so precious). But his stupidity honestly knows no bounds. It’s like the man has this incredible ability to think of an infinite amount of the most useless, non-sensical, illiterate crap. No wonder he has so many albums (yeah, I just dissed your music. Fight me).

But let me tell you, he’s not just dumb, he’s also kind of a __________(insert vulgarity here). In a recent Twitter post (excuse me, a “tweet”) he said that “Sometimes I push the door close button on people running towards the elevator. I just need my own elevator sometimes, my 7 floor sanctuary”…..first of all, you’re a millionaire, can’t you upgrade to a nicer freaking sanctuary? You’re not homeless. Secondly, sometimes I need a quick pick me up, but that doesn’t mean I go out and snort cocaine. Just cause you want something doesn’t mean you do it. The killer from the movie Saw just wanted to play a game, but I’m sure everyone would have appreciated not being brutally murdered. What if it was a pregnant woman running (sauntering) toward the elevator Kanye? Would you have closed the door and been like “sorry gurl, sometimes I just need my space. You and your inflated uterus can take the stairs”? 

But what do we expect from someone who’s been thrown out of more awards shows than the Kardashians have been out of restaurants? I guess what I’m trying to say to you Kanye is, grow up. Stop being a self-centered turkey fondler and start treating other people like equals. Just because you wear Louis Vuitton glasses with slits cut in them (as a side note, DUMBEST IDEA EVER. How are they supposed to protect your eyes from the sun? If you wear these, you don’t only look like an idiot, you are one) doesn’t mean you can act like you’re better than everyone. Now, if you obtain the same level of awesomeness that Chuck Norris has, you can use people’s shirts to wipe your a$$ with after you go to the bathroom, but until them, stop interrupting country singers, stop telling people George Bush wants to kill black people, and for God’s sake stop using twitter. 

You have nothing smart or interesting to say, and chance’s are you NEVER will. Because lets face it, sometimes you can be real Heartless (Get it Kanye? That’s the name of one of your “songs”). Everytime you speak I almost want to die.

darksilenceinsuburbia:

Robert Hoppe

Via

See, I wish that celebrities today were more like the people in this painting. You know, not trashy hos. But that’s just my well-informed opinion. 

Before any of you Zac Efron enthusiasts run in telling me that Troy isn’t a pervy little sicko, take a breath, drink some water, and walk away from your computer. That’s it. That’s all the advice I have for you. 

Zac Efron: the man, the legend, the actor that will never live down “Get’cha Head In The Game” (mostly because it’s a train wreck of a song that makes me want to punch a panda every time I hear it). One may say many things about him, but not until recently could we claim that he has a passion for women in four inch see-through high heels and fake boobs (but lets face it, who doesn’t right?). Just recently, High School Musical “star” was seen at the Flashdancers Gentlemen’s Club in NYC, along with his costar…..um….I actually don’t care enough to try and remember his name. The one with the afro. Anyways. It is said that they laid down about two grand (damn gurllll) in lapdances and vodka. Throw in some cold weather and a sense of mournful regret and that sounds like Christmas Eve for Eliot Spitzer (hahahahaha, POLITICAL JOKE. Okay I’m done). But according to Zac, it was something he felt kinda weird doing, it was his first time(he doesn’t have an addiction, don’t worry), and he asked his girlfriend Vanessa “I take whorish photos of myself and spread them around everywhere” Hudgins for permission before going. First of all, that’s straight up weird. But according to Zefron she was cool with it….suspicious? Of course not. SHE WORKS AT A PLACE LIKE THAT: BECAUSE SHE’S A HO FO SHO.

But I won’t make fun of Zac for wanting to catch a late night show at a refined establishment, I will judge him for how he described what a strip club looks like in his imagination. Lets start from the beginning. 

According to an interview with USMagazine, he has heard of these places before (good job, you’ve heard of a strip club), and he had heard they were very reputable. Good to know. But the description of what it would be like inside made my insides hurt more than when I watched the music video for Lady Gaga’s “Alejandro” (I love you Gaga, but that video was about as logical and pleasant as homosexual shark sex). 

Zefron imagined himself sitting on a nice couch (I guess he left out the part as to whether it was covered in seme….you know), listening to mostly rap music. So what we’ve learned so far is that Zac is in fact a racist. Just kidding, he’s just an idiot. He also imagined himself wearing “Stunna Shades”.

OK, “Stunna Shades”? Did you not learn how to speak the English language whilst in school? Or did they let you slide cause you were working for Disney, and AS WE KNOW, Disney isn’t exactly looking for competence amongst its actors. And Disney is racist (Wow, I just can’t let this racism thing go). Also, did you forget the very important fact that you are in fact white, Zac Efron? You are caucasian. You can’t say things like that (according to Tyler Perry). It’s not allowed. It’s in the inter-racial language rulebook. Look it up. 

To complete this nightmarish description of what I can only assume is the wild speculations of a wealthy white male, he imagined himself next to T-Pain and Usher…wow. So just because they rap they must go to strip clubs? That is so F***ing judgmental I can’t even believe it. We all know that rappers aren’t just immoral people that make it rain one-dollar bills when a sexy b**** (thanks David Guetta) comes around. Look at T.I. and Lil’ Wayne. They’re rappers, and they’ve never…been to..prison….ok, forget what I was saying. The point is this. Zac Efron, you’re just not A-list enough to hang with Usher and T-Pain, and no matter how many “Charlie St. Cloud”-esque movies you make, you never will be (And that’s mostly because Charlie St. Cloud is a terrible movie and anyone who says to the contrary must actually be under the constant effect of narcotics. Nuff said). 

So Zac, here’s the deal. I’m not judging you for spending them grands on boat’s n’ hos, but you have fans that expect you to never do anything wrong ever, so get yourself together. PS: stop making crap movies. PPS: stop styling your hair like you just got out of bed. PPPS: T-Pain sends his regards.

This is the  hair I’m talking about. I hate it. Stop it. NOW.